I bought a tie the other day but it was a bit tight so I had to take it back.

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest and surest way would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. She shot herself in the left kneecap.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

It's strange, isn't it... You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

watch this video its funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6m6HJufE ... re=channel

you might not get it. but if you do plz tell

YOU: how do you start off a black joke?

THEM: how?

YOU: (look around)

Q)What do elephants use as tampons?

A) Sheep!!!

Moral of the joke = don't buy red jumpers....

Q)Why did John McEnroe wear a Headband

A) to hide the circumcision scar

Q)What's 3 foot long and fucks chickens?

A) An Axe

Q)Why did Ralph fall off his bike?

A) Because Ralph is a goldfish

Q) Why did David fall off his bike?

A) Because someone threw a fridge at him

Q) What's Yellow and very dangerous?

A) Shark Infested Custard

Q)Whats Red and looks like a kettle?

A) A Red Kettle

Oh quality yet again Tim.

Husband says to his wife "we should wash your knickers is Slim Fast, it might make your fat arse look thinner."
Next day, putting his pants on, he notices they're covered in powder.
"Have you put talcum powder in my undies babe?"
"No", she replies, "Miracle Grow"

Some translated jokes from Dutch, btw. we always use Belgians or Germans in our jokes but you can fill in any folk you like.

Name a colour under 10...
Friday.

Whats the difference between a dead bird?
One leg is longer.

A Belgium guy is waiting on the bus..
The driver said he had to come down from there.

What's a skeleton in the closet?
A Belgium guy who won at hide and seek.

Why does a Belgium guy take a brick and a flashlight to bed?
He throws the light out with the brick and checks with the flashlight if he hit the target.

I know tons more but not all can be translated properly to be funny. :p

Went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is young, female and very sexy. I was embarrassed but she said "don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said "I think my cock tastes funny...."

What's the difference between the Iceland volcano and Cheryl Cole? The volcano is still blowing ash! (English members will understand that one I think!)

if we are not English members what should we do????

but i did like the doctor one

Hehe, I'll explain. Cheryl Cole used to be married to England footballer Ashley Cole (you gotta use your imagination) . And I guess you've all heard about the Volcano erupting in Iceland???

About time this thread was bumped!

My nan has found a lump in each of her tits.... Turns out it was just her knees.

The clocks are going back this weekend. Along with all the other wedding presents, the engagement ring and the six grand dress,

Cheating bitch


My wife says her fantasy is to have sex where she works... But our ironing board just isn't strong enough

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.

-------------------------

There was a bloke I know walking down the road last night had a woman on his back,

So I asked him "where you going with that woman on your back"

He said "fancy dress party for halloween"

So I asked: "what you going as?"

He said: "tortoise"

So then I asked: "who's she?"

He said: "that's Michelle"

Some more!

One rainy, windy night, not unlike tonight, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetary.
As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.
He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.
The man, terrified for his life, turned and ran into the driving rain. Behind him, the coffin came faster - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP! Ahead of him, there was a branch that had fallen from a tree. He reached down and grabbed it as he ran by. Still running, he turned and threw it over his shoulder at the coffin - but it just splintered when it hit the coffin and the coffin continued coming faster - BUMPITY, BUMPITY, BUMPITY!
The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. His splitting axe was resting against his woodpile so he snagged it, turned, and gave a mighty two-handed throw sending it end over end right at the coffin. SMASH! - the axe shattered on the unnaturally strong wood of the coffin and it continued after him.
The man dashed in his house, but the coffin crashed through the front door. The man ran upstairs and grabbed his shotgun off the wall display. He blasted the coffin with both barrels, but the shot bounced harmlessly off the coffin as it continued up the stairs - BUMP, CLOMP, BUMP, CLOMP!
The man, desperate and scared to death, jumped into the bathroom and locked the door - knowing it would do no good. The coffin Banged against the door, once ..., twice ..., and on the third time, the door exploded and the coffin came forward.
In desperation the man reached out his hand and grabbed whatever he could. All that was there was a bottle of cough syrup so he threw it at the coffin.
The bottle shattered, the cough syrup poured on the coffin, and the coffin stopped.

------------------------------

Ben was assigned a new wildlife technician and she was driving him crazy. She was blonde and pretty and insisted on carrying beauty products in a little field bag – nail polish, hair care products, gels, creams and so on. One day they were driving the rugged four-wheel drive down a dirt road when a big rabbit ran in front of them and was hit by the truck. Ben pulls over and walks back to the dead rabbit. He felt terrible, but there was clearly nothing he could do for the dead creature. His blonde partner pipes in and yells, “Waite, I have just the thing!” She races back to the truck and begins to rifle through her beauty products. Ben watches as brushes and combs fly from the bag. Finally she races back with an aerosol can and sprays the dead rabbit with it’s contents. Immediately the rabbit springs to its feet, waves goodbye, hops a few feet, pauses and waves again. The rabbit repe ats this strange behavior…wave-hop-wave-hop, until it disappears over the hill. Ben is amazed and asks, “What in the world is in that can?” The blonde biologists says, ” Duh…look at the label” You guessed it…. “Hair Spray …. Immediately revives dead hair and creates a permanent wave”

What's pink and fluffy?



A) Pink Fluff....

Why do the French only eat one egg?

Cos one is an oeuf